you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
