"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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