I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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