I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize