I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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