bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize