So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
