He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize