Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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