I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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