everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
