You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
