I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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