Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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