Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
