I cut my penus on the lid.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize