If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Your shirt... Was in my pants
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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