u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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