sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
