found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
