Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
