In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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