I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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