I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
