remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
