Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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