I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize