You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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