Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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