I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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