good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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