I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Someone shattered a urinal.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
