Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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