I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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