Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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