Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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