At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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