I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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