i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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