Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize