i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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