that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
