My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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