Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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