Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
