i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
