There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
