he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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