I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
