im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
