you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
