the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
