if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
