BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
