For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
