Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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