Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
