M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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