hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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