I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
